'Riverdale' Confirms Archie's Abs (Not Maple Syrup) Are the Town's Most Valuable Natural Resource

By the end of season three we wholly expect Archie Andrews’ abs to develop sentience and be revealed as The Gargoyle King.

In our recap of Riverdale S3E5, “The Great Escape” we raise a well defined Lodge-style eyebrow at the show’s extremely loose definiton of “Incognito”, marvel at the neurotic overracting of one Cole Sprouse, and roll our eyes once again at V’s poor maintenance of her speakeasy. Oh, and ABS. Abs on toast, people! Here’s everything we loved about this week’s episode!

Jughead is Unnecessarily Blunt About Everyone “Failing” Their Quest

everyone dies.png

Jeez, way to keep morale up, Jug.

Betty’s Three-Tier Response to Jughead’s Conspirational Rant Is All Of Us Hearing Some Dude Ramble On About “Truth Actors” & “9-11 Was An Inside Job!” for the Thousandth Time

betty conspiracy 1.png
betty conspiracy 2.png
betty conspiracy.png

Ooh girl, we feel you. Hard.

Warden Norton Ties Archie Down to a Table & Err…YOWZA

archie tied down.png

Kudos to Riverdale for bringing to life yet another deranged fetish we never even knew we had.

Warden Norton Also Demonstrates that he Understands Exactly Where the Town’s Most Valuable Asset is - & How to Hurt It…

NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL ABS.png

HIS ABS!!! NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL ABS!!! But also - this is totally similar to Tyler Durden branding The Narrator with a chemical burn in Fight Club. But about a million times sexier. Because we clearly have issues.

Reggie Really Struggles With Some Painful Revelations About His Dad

reggie cosplay.png
reggie cosplay 2.png

Reggie is quickly rising to become our favourite Riverdale character. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

I Hope You’re Wearing Some Thick Gloves Because Ronnie Serves Up Some Hot Tea About MEN

V MANSPLAINING.png

Or as they call it in La Bonne Nuit, expliquant du homme…or something. Uh, hey Elio. It’s 2018, my dude. And Ronnie most certainly doesn’t need any help running her goddamn business. I mean just look at…oh shit.

Ronnie Seems Determined to Run La Bonne Nuit Into the Maple Syrup Soaked Ground

till.png

Look, I can barely tolerate the whole faux-Francais angle. But the endless old-school jazz and vintage cash register is a step too-fucking-far. GOOD LUCK DEALING WITH CASH INTAKE WHEN THOSE ANTIQUE KEYS GET JAMMED DURING A SELL OUT NIGHT, V! Sincerely - a woman who has long lost her soul and her mind to the service industry.

Behold: Sweet Pea & Jughead Embroiled in the Geekiest Display of Machismo Bullshit Since Gamergate

macho geek.png

Yeah, I’ve officially lost my boner. Thanks.

Elio Tells Ronnie to Dress “Incognito”

incognito.png

And it’s instantly obvious V’s gonna show up looking anything but incognito. Perhaps if Elio would have translated the word into French, she might have better understood?

…Naturally, Ronnie’s “Incognito” Look Does Not Disappoint

incognito 2.png

She looks like one of Britney’s mid-breakdown 2007 wigs fornicated with a Real Housewife and started up an amateur detective agency.

The Best Line in the History of Television Happened

abs.png

Just go ahead and cancel television from this point forth - we’ve officially hit our peak with this line. It’s all downhill from here.

Ronnie is Overly Optimistic About the Sexual Longevity of an Imprisoned Teenage Boy Who Hasn’t Had Sex in like, a CENTURY

optimism.png

“That’s fine, Ronnie. I’ll only need two.”

Riverdale Continued it’s Homage to Gladiator

gladiator.png

Archiekins Decimus Meridius was stabbed in the side right before his final battle just like Maximus Decimus Meridius was in Gladiator! Plus - he was stabbed by Joaquin. In Gladiator, Joaquin Phoenix plays Commodus who stabs Maximus in the side before his final fight and that is no coincidence, folks! The references have gone full circle.

Cole Sprouse Has Officially Gone FULL GOLDBLUM With His Neurotic, Twitchy Depiction of G&G Obsessed Jughead

GOLDBLUM.png

Thus meaning Sprouse has stolen the mantle formerly held by Adam Brody as the Jeff Goldblum of a new generation.

Kevin Keller has Become Riverdale’s Official Correspondant for Silently Communicated Shade

Kevin shade.png

Kevin and Josie both deserve more screen time, pronto.

The Breakfast Club References Seem to Have Continued Since Last Episode With Reggie Stepping Up As Riverdale’s Very Own Judd Nelson

judd nelson.png

No dad, what about you??!!”

And Finally, That Bogus Blue Cyanide That’s Taking Riverdale By Storm is Giving Us Serious “The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner” Vibes

ghastly grinner.png

The potential Are You Afraid of the Dark reference ties in neatly with The Midnight Club reference we postulated about in our recent recap of Riverdale S3E4.

Season three of Riverdale is basically shaping up to be one gigantic, extended episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark…with a little bit of classic HBO drama Oz thrown in for good measure. We’ll be back with more snark, abs, and movie references from Riverdale next week! Till then, stay off the jingle-jangle, kids.