Paris Hilton's 'Drunk Text' Is a Wrongfully Trashed Masterpiece

Better than whatever poet you think is great.

Paris Hilton’s music career wasn’t all that well-received, despite her penchant for veritable bangers which some of us are still singing over ten years later.

Obviously, Howard Stern trashed Hilton’s 2012 single before its release, helping it get canceled and hailed as an embarrassment, with some journalists even calling it “the worst song ever.” But any fan of the reality TV star will agree that “Drunk Text” is Hilton’s Magnum Opus. From the meta music video, to its simple-yet-apt lyrics, the single that never was is, truly, a masterpiece.


As a former (award-winning and totally serious) performance poet, I’m ready to go all in and call Hilton’s “Drunk Text” one of the best wordplay examples I’ve ever heard. Having sat through a slew of dreadfully worthy attempts at meaningful rhyme and saccharin sentiment, Hilton’s unreleased classic is refreshing, enlightening, and better than anything I’ve ever constructed, onstage or off.

Instead of shying away from her party girl image, Hilton decides to take us through a completely believable night of her life. Pre-#metoo, the descriptions of cloying men using Hilton’s connections to get girls remind us that a plethora of transgressions are carried out in plain sight. And the way Hilton describes taking a photo up another woman’s skirt is the gender-flip sexual harassment moment we didn’t deserve in 2012.


For anyone unsure if I’m serious, be certain. If somebody submitted the “Drunk Text” lyrics to me in poetry form, I’d 100% accept, and wonder why they weren’t already the latest Instagram sensation. Six years later, the track would’ve been better received, especially as Hilton has embraced her role as the reality TV princess, responsible even for the success of the Kardashians (and her Yeezy campaign will never not be iconic).

But back in 2012, Hilton served us a slice of majesty that none of us deserved, and typically, men trashed it. But it’s time to correct that.


“Drunk Text”—Manufactured Superstars ft. Paris Hilton

I went out to the club the other night
To, you know, dance with my bitches
That guy was there again
He’s like
”I'm sorry for what I said last weekend”
I told him I didn't mind, which was a lie
But I was equally sorry
And I didn't want to apologize

It was just a drunk text
In my head I was writing a fiction of us
Behind my eyes, I was begging for
Things my lips could never ask
And my mouth kept pouring
Desperate clauses of random intent
He asks me if he can text me later
After the club
He hands me another shot of vodka
And I say, “Sure”

I'm on the dance floor when I get a text from Adam
I'm too lazy to type, so I send a photo I took up a dancer's skirt
And tell him to come and get it
Not realizing what I had just said
Later on, she comes up to me
Holds up her phone screaming at me and I say
”I'm sorry, it was just a drunk text”
I should've known they knew each other
No one is safe in the Twitter sphere anymore

You take the world sex, and mix it with texting
It's called sexting
When you add drunk sexting
The words just don't make sense

It's a hot mess of misspelled obscenities
Body parts, and run-on questions
I'm not sure what he means to ask

I get a text from my best friend
She's upstairs getting bottle service
She's like
"This guy wants you to wet your lips with his bottle”
He wants me to bring more girls up
Like I’m some kind of pimp
Are you fucking kidding me?
It's just another moment
When one stupid reply can lead to the walk of shame
And I'll be damned if I end up in some lame diner after this
With last night's lingerie in my purse

It was just a drunk text
It was just a drunk text
This is the last time I’ll ever drink and text
It was just a drunk text
It was just a drunk text